The Black Umbrella
by Shuna
Summary: Slash SS/RH!Response to my own challenge.Ignore HBP.Severus loves Hagrid, and Hagrid is about to discover it...Read at own discretion.


AN: This is a response to my Gross Ships challenge. The idea is to take a ship you found disturbing or gross, and write a fic about it.

My choice: Hagrid/Snape.

And this is going to be a humour fic, just so you know it.

Warnings: Contains Slash (gay love), mentions of torture, rape and cannibalism. Songs, and poor spelling and grammar are also there will be madness.

Read on own discretion.

And I don't own anything.

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It was at the beginning of sixt year, when most Hogwarts students at that year started having sex with each other, something JKR completely forgot to mention, cuz she had so many readers, and didn't want to loose them all if she wrote about these themes.

This made Severus very grumpy, as if he never was in begin with. But this time he was exceptional grumpy, because Harry Potter were among them, and therefore he took the liberty to punish the boy at any opportunity, because he believed that if the boy were too tired to do any sex, then he would end up miserable.

And he had another reason to hate the boy, beside the fact that his father had bullied the Potions Master.

The readers suddenly find something rather weird in the story, because at that point, the writer of the story puts on some music, and randomly tell what artist and song it is, and encourages the readers to download it.

Remember people; download the song "Sweet Lullaby" by Deep Forest, she'll write, and maybe she'll might get some reviews!

And it must be mentioned, the song and artist has nothing to do with the story.

The author snaps back to reality, when the song changes, and continues with the story.

"Where was I", she ponders outloud. Yes, the author is a girl, because mostly girls write slash stories. There are many theories why, but that's another story.

Oh, right. You see, the Potions Master wasn't straight. No, he's bi. He was in love with two people throughout his attendance at Hogwarts, Lily Evans and Rubeus Hagrid, and therefore he's jealous of Harry.

The author starts a long Jævla pikkhue, and what she believes is a complicated Hold kjeft and sad explanation of how this happened Døh, and doesn't even think how she's going to explain why we missed this in the books, or movies. Dust!

And the poor readers suddenly see that there are these strange words in the fic. Well, this is because the author has by the time she's been writing found herself in a verbal war with her brother, who also wants to sit by the computer. In their heated argument, she types down some of the words she calls her brother.

They're in her native langue, and so no one except those who're Scandinavian can understand the words.

The argument ends with the girl winning, and she continues to write without noticing the words.

Then, she remembers that she must describe the characters. So, she uses the old character looking at itself in the mirror trick, or in this case, potions master looking into the potions trick, and describes Mr Snape, who is: thin, but muscular, with small scars, the only marks he has after the curses which The Dark Lord, a.k.a Lord Voldemort inflict on him, who would kill anyone but fantastic Mr Snape.

And as we talk about The Dark Lord, he suddenly summons Severus to an emergency meeting, and of course the man obeys, because that would certainly not make anyone suspicious of why the man goes out of the classroom and outside and apearate to his Lord.

"Helllllloooooooo." The Dark Lord greets. He talks very slowly, and always draws the words as long as he can, and especially the s's.

"Tooooooodddayyy wwwweee hhhavveeee gggguuuuuuuuuuueeesssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssstttttt'ssssssssssssssssssssss. Bbbbbbbbbbbbrrrrrriiinnnng ttttthhhheeee pppppppprrrrrrriiiiissssssssssssssssssonoooooooeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrsssssssssssssssssss." He commands some Death Eaters whose names we do not know.

The Death Eaters does as he commands, and then a long torture begins to unfold. A small group, mostly consisting small children and two adults are raped, tortured endlessly, burned, arms ripped off and cooked and served to Fenrir Greyback. All at once.

The author cries, as Severus wants to help the poor children, and she feels horrible about torturing her favourite character.

Until she realises that her emo mood does not come from the torture scene, but the fact that the iPod is playing Coldplay songs. She turns them off, and her bad mood is gone.

Then, hours later the meeting is dismissed, and everyone returns home.

Snape is so exhausted, and shivering in disgust because he has raped, that he falls unconscious in the forbidden forest.

Because the author don't have a book handy, and is way to lazy to search on Harry Potter wiki, she just writes that Hagrid's dog found the man.

As dogs do, it smelled the blood and death on the man, and growled. It began to bark quite loudly, and caught its owner interest.

"Watt do we hat ere?" he said in his thick accent. Also, in fanfic world, he speak's incorrectly, and therefore fanfic writers think that they can write how they want, with low grammar and spelling.

"A man. Well, let's bring him to Hogwarts." He starts walking with the man in his arms. "Oh, it's Prefeser Snape." He said, after inspecting the body. "Wll sinc I now him wll enouf to now that he hates biing at the infirmary, I'll bring im to me hut."

As said, as done. The professor wakes up, and see's his love of life.

Suddenly, the author get's annoyed, and write a very explicit sex scene.

Then, she copy's it, at delete it. Even she knows she can't have it right now.

So she puts on Coldplay and writes a sad scene where Snape opens up to his love, and then she types in the sex scene.

Then, she must have some action, and Voldemort comes in!

"OMG WTF BBQ!" he yells.

Hagrid grabs his umbrella and says something.

No more Voldemort.

Harry Potter wakes up with no scar.

Author looks at the clock and decides that she should go to bed. But she needs an ending.

And everyone lived happily ever after, she writes, and then submits the story.


End file.
